 QUOTE: “It’s ridiculous that we still have a hole in the ozone layer. We have men, we have rockets, and we have Saran Wrap — FIX IT!! And don’t come back until you do.” --Lewis Black EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER THE AGE OF 50: Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags, then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually get to where you can lift 100-lb potato bags in each hand and hold your arms out straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each bag. DUCK JOKE: A duck walked into a bar and hopped up on the barstool and ordered a beer. The bartender poured him a beer and asked, “Where did you come from?” The duck answered, “I came from the construction site across the street.” The bartender asked “What are you doing over there when you could be in the circus making millions of dollars?” The duck took a sip of beer and said “Why would the circus need a bricklayer?” ANOTHER QUOTE "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out." --Stephen Wright NOT GOOD AT SPELLING: A man called the 911 operator in a huge panic. “911, what’s your emergency,?” the operator asked. The man replied “There’s been a horrible accident here. A lady’s just been run over by a hit-and-run driver in front of my house at 301 Eucalyptus Street! You gotta send the paramedics!” The operator asked him, “Can you please spell the name of that street, sir?” The man replied, “I’m not sure, I just moved into the neighborhood. Hang on a moment.” For several minutes, the operator heard nothing, then the man came back on the phone, all out of breath. “Never mind,” he said, “I just dragged her over to Elm Street.” MORE BAR HUMOR: Three ladies—a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead—walk into a club and sit down at the bar, right in front of the bartender. The bartender looks at them and asks, “Is this a joke?” YET ANOTHER QUOTE: "People who smoke cigarettes say 'Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking.' Yes, I do--it's as hard as it is to start flossing."--Mitch Hedberg |
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